Welcome to the Wonderful World of Me

Stay Away

2010-12-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Stay away.

I cannot fall for you again.

I hope these words will keep me

from the curse of loving.

Rise oh mountains

and split my very soul.

Feel my strength

and cover me.

Quiet my pain

and dull my anguish.

Hide me in your shadows

and keep me still.

For I don’t want to feel again.

What is this?

Why, it is Bitterness.

Come.

Be my friend.

Let us dwell in our solitude together.

Oh no.

How did you find me.

Love…Don’t come any closer.

Can’t you see

I don’t want you to find me here.

Fly elsewhere

and leave me to myself.

I want no comfort any more.

Why feel what you can offer

if you will only be here for a moment.

Why tease me with thoughts

that your love will never cease.

Why lie to me

when you know I will only fall deeper.

Why quiet my storms

when they will only churn again.

Love

leave me to myself.

I cannot bear another unlit sky

when you are no longer here.

No!

Not your sweet whispers?

You know

that is my one true weakness.

Oh what have I done?

Not again.

Trapped in Love

2010-12-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

Once again I am caught within my web of my own design. How did this happen again? I sit here asking myself when I already know the answer. Yes, I wanted it. I wanted to fall in love again. I wanted to feel something. Anything, really… I wanted to remember what it is like to desire a special one’s touch to which no one else’s touch will do. I wanted to remember what it is like to cherish another’s sweet kiss like a treasure. I wanted to remember what it is like to have a moment with someone and mentally take a picture of it just so I can conjure up the same feelings that I felt, for later. And as I conjure up the memories of that period without the knowledge that there may never be another instance such as that one, I feel pangs of sadness for having to end them to rejoin the real world. Those moments are forever trapped within a bubble in my mind as I suffer with sudden trifles of madness and gloom. I remember fondly how I reached out to you. And you answered to me lovingly. I called your name and you reminded me that you were still there. I felt a fear and you calmed it with just a look into my eyes and a wave of your hands. All my doubts and worries were no more. I was loved and was being loved. Such gentleness like I had never known that is what you were. I had often dealt with rage and anger and spite but hardly have I had gentleness. You waited for me with patience and I didn’t disappoint. I couldn’t disappoint you. You are everything that inspires me. You are that extra zest that gives me appeal. I feel full and drunk with love that my feet would follow your every direction. I find that whenever I walk away, my breath becomes short and my steps become heavy. I get weary so fast when I don‘t see you. My few mistakes become many and I feel as if I have lost my own way. So here I lie across my bed with my head tipping over the side of it looking at a world that is upside down. I am at a marvel at how trapped I am but glad because in this bubble I will remain with you as a memory while outside you are not in that world. Maybe one day you may be there and when you are, I will come out. But for now I am safe and I hear you calling me….Here I am, my Love.

Its Over

2010-12-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

Why didn’t you tell me it was over

All you had to do was say it

You packed your things

And moved your stuff

But you never said a word

Why didn’t you tell me it was over

All you had to do was say it

When I call you hang up

And changed your number

But you haven’t told me why

Why didn’t you tell me it was over

All you had to do was say it

You cut off the bill in your name

Now I sit here in the dark

But why is it so hard to explain

Why didn’t you tell me it was over

All you had to do was say it

Your mail stop coming to the house

And our mutual friends no longer stops by

And yet I still don’t understand why

Was there something I could have did to prevent this break

Or was this just a trip that my heart had to take

Just tell me its over

Give any reason

It don’t matter

I cannot move on until you do

I cannot close the book

or start a new chapter until you say the words

ITS OVER!

Good, Thank-you.

Was that so hard?

Now I can cut that final string.

Snip.

Its over.

Stolen Moments and Regrets

2010-12-26T12:03:00.000-08:00

I longed for love, until I stole a moment for myself. I had longed to taste my love’s kiss and feel his touch and be within his presence for so many years that I didn’t want to see that there was something missing. I taste his kiss and in my mind it said “This is nothing”. But I refused to listen. As we laid together, he repeatedly told me not to be afraid. But I often said to myself…why am I so afraid. I just couldn’t truly let go, there was something that wasn’t right. His touch felt good to me yet it hurt and I didn’t know why. I learned after that night that he loved another. I was consumed with jealousy but I waited. He was honest when I approached him but I really could have strangled him. He was not feeling the same deep feeling that I was feeling. So I found some ugly words to say to him and I built up my wall. However the next day I had to hear his voice and found out that he was sick. Damn. I couldn’t even keep up with the cruelty because my mothering instincts kicked in. I hate that I was so in love with a man that desires another. I didn’t want to be hurt and yet I was. She seemed to be a good person. She was tall, pretty and feisty. If she made him happy then I would be happy for him. I guess it would be best to let him go. But OH My GOD the pain is unbearable.

Beach is calling my name

2010-12-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

This is the most I have relaxed in a long time. The beach calls to me and I answer every chance I get. I welcome the opportunity to sit and staring out in the ocean. I close my eyes and relish the sounds and smells of the sea. It is so calming. As the day end I realize that I am feeling a little drunk from this calming experience. It is the love and respect I feel of the air as it embrace me. It is the spirit of the water that covers me like a blanket and it is the sun the kisses me with its rays. And I dare not forget the sand that follows my every step until I have found my way home. I may not have found the love of a man because I am a complex and sensual woman. I know this about myself and I have accepted it. But the life I live today is not an empty one. I have a purpose and I have value. I am a queen and I am worthy of being in love. When the right man finds me he will see more than a body but a jewel of great value. I am queen feel the mercy of my strength and might. Love me or hate me for I am true to my nature.

Alone

2010-12-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

Why can’t I walk away from this feeling
Why must your face plague my mind
Why can’t I leave the memories
Why can’t I run and hide

You left me… alone
To fight a battle I cant win
You left me….to cry
With a burning and yearning inside

How can I go on
Without your love to sustain me
How can I see the sun
When the darkness tries to claim me

You left me …alone
Battle worn and bruised
You left me…to face
A tomorrow without you

Though I’m shattered and torn
I bleed so heavily
So now I must stand
And reclaim a piece me

You’ll remember me one day
Although you walked away so cold
You’ll remember the laughs we shared
And the nights that turned to dawn

Why now…. Why here
Can’t you turn to see me
How come you can’t
Stand to see the pain you gave me

Look in my eyes and see
The fierceness in me

So now a chapter has ended
And the curtains are now drawn
Its over now the story’s done
The book is now closed

You left me…alone
To fight this battle by myself
With a rage inside
Tearing through the darkness and finding light.
Fighting a battle and winning a war
Happiness will one day find me
Happiness will one day find me
You’ll see
Happiness will one day find me